Portland Center Stage

The Santaland Diaries’ Diaries with Jim Lichtscheidl Volume 5

Posted by cynpdx | 29 December 2011 | Comments (0)

Live theater. There’s nothing like it. Only with live theater can you experience moments that will never be recreated again, and sometimes, that’s a good thing. A very good thing.

One evening a well oiled woman in the front row decided she loved the show so much she wanted to record it with her smart phone. Nothing would deter this woman, the ushers, her friends, the people behind her, not even when I leaned over and said to her, “Stop it!” but I guess that was with my eyes and not my voice, thinking back. She also seemed to think the show was call and response, and would burp out random words punctuated with that familiar “solo clap” that seems to say “love it, LOVE it!”

There were a few moments during the run where I forgot my lines. Not just a word, but entire sections refused to spark inside my memory. During one of these episodes I grumbled something under my breath about my elf shoes being uncomfortable and reached down to adjust them, buying time for my brain to please oh please come up with the next part. Feel free to use this trick, it seems to work well.

Back in rehearsal in Minneapolis, I had the bright idea to eat a Little Debbie Christmas Tree cake onstage when I take my ‘elf break.’ This decision has come back to haunt me on several occasions. The cake is covered with an unidentifiable frosting coating that would find itself in the nooks and crannies of my front teeth after my first bite. Then the audience would watch silently as I tried to swallow and pick my teeth before speaking again. A few times a piece of the cake’s shell would jump into my throat, and I would try to SPEAK it LOUDLY out or clear my throat when the audience laughed, urging it with a HAARRCHGGH that sounded a lot like my sister trying to clear out her retainer when we were younger.

During one performance in the section where I strip down to my boxer briefs and black socks, my thumbs caught in my underwear as I removed my pants and the audience almost had themselves a very blue Christmas, indeed. One show found me replacing the phrase “terribly sick children” with “terminally ill children.” Very hard to get the audience to laugh after that switch, let me tell you.

A few times I swear a wayward bus on its way to Branson, Missouri broke down in front of the theater and the passengers decided to come and see my show while waiting for repairs. Knowing nothing about the show or its content except it had the word “Santa” in it, these people were soon clutching their rosaries and tsking at what unfolded before them.

My favorite has to be the audience member that chooses to express their reactions with a hiss instead of laugh. Ssssssssss. ssssssssssss. SSSsssssssss. Insert snake or air leak joke here.

One evening found a young girl sitting front and center.  This always kinda wigs me out, because I wonder how much of this show little Betsy is really going to understand, and most importantly, are her beliefs in Santa still intact? Will Betsy remember me only as the tall elf man that crushed her Santa dream? As the show that evening unfolded, little Betsy grew on me, largely in part because she was laughing at some of my shtick. When I got to the part in the show where the “real” Santa almost faints because of the unexpected beauty of a little girl visiting him, Betsy was right where I focus during this part, and for a moment I was indeed the real Santa, telling this child she was the most beautiful girl I’d seen in 617 years. You gotta love live theater.

As we approach the end of this run, I’m left with an overwhelming sense of pride and gratefulness that I had the opportunity to work with such an amazing group of people in such a truly wonderful town. And I can’t forget to thank Mr. Sedaris, whose miserable experience as a Macy’s Santaland Elf still connects people with laughter during this sometimes stressful season.

Happy Holidays to you, and if you see a shaky bootleg video of my elf performance on You Tube someday, please inform me ASAP.