DISCLAIMER: Unfortunately, I am not Kelsey. I’m his intern. If you don’t want to read further, I’ll understand. I will just be very profoundly sad.

To better welcome you the experience that is JAW, I have been given the daunting pleasure of preparing you, via daily blog, for these plays. Here at JAW we’re going through theatrical boot camp, and there’s more than enough booty left over to come around to you. Luckily, I’ll be here in the shadow of opening night to develop you mentally, physically, metaphysically, emotionally, rationally, sexually, instinctively, culturally, racially, mathematically, academically, irrationally, spiritually, religiously, and animalistically (which is not a word, but I’m just an intern: I’ll be making a habit of making up words; kind of a volunteer Shakespeare-savant) in preparation of the cluster-bomb of text that is about to rain on your ever-so-fragile vocabularical (I did it again) parade.

Still, it is important to ensure that we’re all starting on the same page. As amusing as it would be, we don’t want to pump you with enough sexuality or irrationality to down a bull elephant if you’re already brimming with it. We don’t want to deal with that lawsuit. So it’s important that we all share a common ground, here. And because we (it’s a royal “we”) are intrinsically strange, lazy, and love it when you give us attention… It will be much easier to require you to find our starting page, instead of us (it’s a royal “us”) reverting to the normalcy of your starting page. Normalcy makes boring theatre.

Step one in your process of transforming– transcending, really– into the avid JAW‘er that we know you can emerge as… is to drink as much coffee and booze as we are. Trust me, the plays will be better. Plus, it’s terribly easier to be awake for 240 hours straight if you’re off your knocker.

Oh right, that’s step two: do something for 10 days straight and find out how delusional you are at the other end of it. I don’t care what, specifically, it is… it could be something as simple as petting your cat, although I’m unsure you’ll want to do that after Sunday night’s reading. Which doesn’t have anything to do with the reading itself because I’ve been strictly instructed not to provide any information about the plays. You’ll just have to come Sunday evening to know what I’m not talking about.

Finally, step three in your journey to JAW is to contact PCS, preferably Chris Coleman, and let him know that the one intern guy who blogs is a really valuable asset to JAW, as well as your own personal well being. If you used words like “Shakespeare-savant,” I’m sure it wouldn’t hurt. Seriously, this will make your (it’s a royal “your”… if that existed) JAW experience much more enjoyable.

But if that’s too much to ask, you could always just show up at the Armory for the 4PM and 8PM shows on Friday, Saturday or Sunday night just to see what I’m talking about. It’s first-come-first-served, and it’s free. In fact, I’d prefer the latter of the step 3 options… I kind of dig being the Jane Martin of the JAW festival. Not because it allows me to be intrinsically strange, lazy and gives me attention, though. Never.

Until next time,
telling you more than you ever wanted to know,

-Anonymous Intern